This passage is very purposeful for me. It shows me how insignificant I am. Such as, who am I to think that I can try to question or change a situation God has me in. It is so refreshing to see in black and white that God has made the good and the bad. ALL FOR A REASON! So in this moment, I choose God and I choose His way over my own. He already knows the desires of my heart so now, may His will be done.
Ecclesiastes 7:13-14
Consider what God has done:
Who can straighten
what he has made crooked?
When times are good, be happy;
but when times are bad, consider:
God has made the one
as well as the other.
Therefore, a man cannot discover
anything about his future.
There are days, such as today, that I realize what a mess I am. Today I feel like an empty body that does what it's supposed to do day in and day out lacking passion and zeal for life. I always know that it could be worse and there are so many people way worse off than I am but today all that is in my vision is ME. Dumb I know but all too true. I know Jesus loves me. I know God has a plan and His hand is in it all. But I'm so tired of hearing it. Today I desire more. More than waiting to get pregnant. More than desiring deep friendships. More than...home...work...church. I feel like most of the time I cruise on Auto Pilot. Not really taking in what life has to offer but rather making the motions just to get on to some other part of my life. I feel discontent with who I am and where I am in life. I want more.
Ok I just read the previous paragraph and I'm officially not only a mess but I sound like a disaster. I would not consider myself depressed or having major problems - although I sound like it. I am so blessed and I see all my blessing...I do. It's just this season of my life. I feel disconnected from life and others.
I like to call it a FUNK. I'm just in a rutty FUNK. It will get better I know it will. Great things are coming. I hope.
So the last couple weeks have been a bit rough on me and I have needed a good laugh. So, I went to a friends blog and it CRACKED me up....just what I needed. So I just wanted to tell a couple stories that will hopefully tickle someone else a bit too. Just thinking of these stories still makes me laugh. Also, these stories star one of the funniest people I know...my sister.
Shortly after my sweet beautiful niece was born, 2 years ago, my sister and I wanted to get back into playing club volleyball. So we show up at the gym and people are everywhere - really good players might I add. Now we played in high school and coached a little after but I don't know we were on any kind of level that these folks were. Anyway, so there we were, me, my sister, my mom and my baby niece (someone had to watch the baby while we played...). My mom was holding the baby and between us all we had diaper bags and strollers gallore. We walk in and get my mom seated in a relatively safe location free from flying balls, and then my sister and I walk on to the court and start practicing with everyone. We practice for a while and then break off into teams and start a game. Luckily, we were on the same team. So we are playing and I go and set up the ball and here comes my sister and she spikes it for a point!! We all were so excited and jumping around and all of a sudden I look down and see that one of her nursing pads had come out of her bra and had fallen on the floor. I started to descreatly motion to her that it was on the floor and she was still so excited about her great spike that she kept saying "I know it was awesome right!!?!" and kept giving me high fives. Finally I had to say it "Sisy, your nursing pad!!" as I pointed to it still laying at her feet. She looks down and quickly grabbed it up and stuck it in her pocket. Just a funny thing we still laugh about today.
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Next story.
My sister and I went swimming this summer shortly after she had given birth to my handsome nephew. She was still feeling chubby from being pregnant and felt like she had nothing to wear. So she wore a swimsuit she did no feel comfortable in and put a tank top over it. [side note: my sister has been nursing my nephew since birth] So we get in the pool and start swimming and all of a sudden my sister swims over to me and says "Have you ever seen a cow swim?" and I said "Actually, no I haven't. Why?" to which she replies, "Now you have...MOO!!" We both had a good laugh.
I'm so grateful in this moment for my life, my family, my friends and my God. We all go through things at times that wear us down and we end up saying why this...AGAIN?!?! I'm not the first person to experience the things I experience. And I am just so thankful for awesome friends and wonderful family. But above all my Lord Jesus Christ. He is the one who gets me through it all. Without Him and His amazing power I would be nothing more than useless. My fears and trials are so insignificant to the average person but so big to me. I am thankful for the kind of friend I have always wanted. The kind that listens and doesn't judge me for overreacting in this moment of my trauma. The kind of trauma that yesterday was all-consuming yet today the edge has worn off a bit. An ear to listen and a heart to pray and plead on my behalf - when I didn't have the strength or the state of mind to do it myself. Also, I am so thankful for a husband who loves me so much and even in the hardest of times somehow I still see that and am reminded even by others just how awesome he is. He is one in a million and even in my fits of rage yesterday I see that is the truth. Thank God for "Godly Anger" as a friend so kindly put it. The love of so many surrounds me and encompasses me with floods of tears. Unlike yesterday, today my trauma seems so much more managable. I CAN DO THIS!! I AM STRONG!! So many others see it. Why can't I? Well, I do.
All who are thirsty
All who are weak
Come to the fountain
Dip your heart in the stream of life
Let the pain and the sorrow
Be washed away
In the waves of his mercy
As deep cries out to deep
This is the song I sing today!! In the waves of His mercy...He is so merciful. That's the cry of my heart today. To bestow mercy upon those that need it so badly from me. Jesus gives it to me daily.
My deepest gratitude for all who love and care for me. I'm sure more than I can even fathom.
So, Josh pretty much brought it today at church. Lord knows, it's exactly what I needed to hear...no really the Lord does know...haha. Josh was just preaching on the book of James (which is my all time favorite book in the Bible) So I was rivited. James just has an awesome way of speaking to the everyday person. And speaks about the everyday problems we experience. There was a part in Josh's sermon where he said to think about the trials we are facing and it dawned on me as my list got longer and longer that James 1:2-4 is vital to our growth as Christians.
James 1:2-4 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
As Josh was speaking I was just thinking to myself about how I view all these trials that I'm currently going through as so negative and how maybe if I would have done something different maybe I wouldn't be going through this right now. But you know, in order for you to reflect the goodness of the Lord it takes these moments in time to mold you into the person he wants you to be. And then these verses came to mind.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 Be joyful always; pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
When Paul was speaking to the Thessalonians he spoke a lot about the Lord's return - about keeping ourselves constantly prepared for His return. Paul was just a very strong speaker and these verses are just so black and white. Between James and Paul, they really paint a great picture of how to CORRECTLY deal with day to day issues. We get so caught up with how we want to deal with things we forget the right way we should. And trust me, I'm probably one of the worst people to deal with thing the way God desires me to. But I'm so darn sick of initially trying it my way and then, of course, turning it over to God after my way fails. And everytime, I look back and see where God's hand was in these situations and vow to give Him control always. Then the next trial comes and I just have to start off doing it my way again. It's not a one time decision to give Him the reins. Every trial. Every day.
This is a choice I am making. To make a stand today and everyday to have joy in the bad times, and give thanks for it ALL. And just hand it over to God. How else am I going to grow closer to the image God has created me in?
Having a bi-polar family member requires extreme patience in dealing with delicate situations. I will admit that I have little to no filter and pretty much everything I think comes out my mouth. So for me to deal with this person causes me GREAT frustration.
There are moments when I have great pity and sympathy for her but then I immedately have this conflicting feeling that she has no right to treat people the way she does no matter what disorder she has. I find myself pulling farther and farther away from her just to protect my own heart. Which is a vicious cycle -
She treats me poorly trying to seek attention ----->
I pull away to protect myself ----->
She requires love and attention and acts out again ----->
I AGAIN pull away -----> and on and on the cycle goes
If I was not the one living my life and was a random reader of this blog I would automatically make this assumption, "Just cater to her a little; show some compassion and love and solve your problem." This actually brings up another symptom of bi-polar people - Nothing is ever enough. The more you give the more they want. A normal person requiring love and attention knows when enough is enough and will accept that. Bi-polar people need more and more until they act out in a negative way in order to get the attention they feel they "need". Dealing with this particular situation frustrates me because I can spend quality time with this person everyday and then she will make a comment about how I will never spend time with her. Confusing? And very contradicting.
This is my woe. That I have to separate myself enough to live my life but be close enough to be compassionate and caring to her needs. It's a balance I will never get just right.
Questioning myself, my relationships with others and even at some point God and His hand in my life, has become an all consuming flood in my thoughts lately. After recenting having some very much needed time with a great friend and woman of God, it dawned on me that I have an extreme tendency to break down my own relationships - the very relationships I complain are non-exsistant. I somehow doom them before they even have a chance to grow or be nurtured. And, surprisingly, during this 3 hour conversation God started to reveal to me a lot of my own flaws and imperfections when it comes to relationships with others. And just talking this over was so what I needed. And to think that about an hour before I went I was going to back out. Why? Because it's easier not to go than to struggle through yet another friendship.
So this is where I'm at and this is where my heart is. I want so much more for myself than this. Life is just waiting to be lived and I'm just sitting here barely making it through today let alone this week. It's not like I don't know what needs to be done. I do. I am very aware of the fact that there are specific reasons I am unhappy and completely unfulfilled in this area of my life. I just find no motivation to fix this problem. And I'm really not taking the easy way out, although it may seem to be. Because what am I actually doing to myself and others by not allowing God to move in me and use me. It's so not the easy way I'm taking. I would really love to tie this blog up with a nice little bow that concludes how I have figured everything out and I'm "cured", and to God be the glory for it all. But I really can't. I haven't figured it out yet. I'm a work in progress even as I type. Here and now.
But still for this moment of my confusion - to God be the glory!
