Struggling to be God's best

Questioning myself, my relationships with others and even at some point God and His hand in my life, has become an all consuming flood in my thoughts lately. After recenting having some very much needed time with a great friend and woman of God, it dawned on me that I have an extreme tendency to break down my own relationships - the very relationships I complain are non-exsistant. I somehow doom them before they even have a chance to grow or be nurtured. And, surprisingly, during this 3 hour conversation God started to reveal to me a lot of my own flaws and imperfections when it comes to relationships with others. And just talking this over was so what I needed. And to think that about an hour before I went I was going to back out. Why? Because it's easier not to go than to struggle through yet another friendship.

So this is where I'm at and this is where my heart is. I want so much more for myself than this. Life is just waiting to be lived and I'm just sitting here barely making it through today let alone this week. It's not like I don't know what needs to be done. I do. I am very aware of the fact that there are specific reasons I am unhappy and completely unfulfilled in this area of my life. I just find no motivation to fix this problem. And I'm really not taking the easy way out, although it may seem to be. Because what am I actually doing to myself and others by not allowing God to move in me and use me. It's so not the easy way I'm taking. I would really love to tie this blog up with a nice little bow that concludes how I have figured everything out and I'm "cured", and to God be the glory for it all. But I really can't. I haven't figured it out yet. I'm a work in progress even as I type. Here and now.

But still for this moment of my confusion - to God be the glory!