I'm a mess...

There are days, such as today, that I realize what a mess I am. Today I feel like an empty body that does what it's supposed to do day in and day out lacking passion and zeal for life. I always know that it could be worse and there are so many people way worse off than I am but today all that is in my vision is ME. Dumb I know but all too true. I know Jesus loves me. I know God has a plan and His hand is in it all. But I'm so tired of hearing it. Today I desire more. More than waiting to get pregnant. More than desiring deep friendships. More than...home...work...church. I feel like most of the time I cruise on Auto Pilot. Not really taking in what life has to offer but rather making the motions just to get on to some other part of my life. I feel discontent with who I am and where I am in life. I want more.

Ok I just read the previous paragraph and I'm officially not only a mess but I sound like a disaster. I would not consider myself depressed or having major problems - although I sound like it. I am so blessed and I see all my blessing...I do. It's just this season of my life. I feel disconnected from life and others.

I like to call it a FUNK. I'm just in a rutty FUNK. It will get better I know it will. Great things are coming. I hope.

Utterly Hilarious

So the last couple weeks have been a bit rough on me and I have needed a good laugh. So, I went to a friends blog and it CRACKED me up....just what I needed. So I just wanted to tell a couple stories that will hopefully tickle someone else a bit too. Just thinking of these stories still makes me laugh. Also, these stories star one of the funniest people I know...my sister.

Shortly after my sweet beautiful niece was born, 2 years ago, my sister and I wanted to get back into playing club volleyball. So we show up at the gym and people are everywhere - really good players might I add. Now we played in high school and coached a little after but I don't know we were on any kind of level that these folks were. Anyway, so there we were, me, my sister, my mom and my baby niece (someone had to watch the baby while we played...). My mom was holding the baby and between us all we had diaper bags and strollers gallore. We walk in and get my mom seated in a relatively safe location free from flying balls, and then my sister and I walk on to the court and start practicing with everyone. We practice for a while and then break off into teams and start a game. Luckily, we were on the same team. So we are playing and I go and set up the ball and here comes my sister and she spikes it for a point!! We all were so excited and jumping around and all of a sudden I look down and see that one of her nursing pads had come out of her bra and had fallen on the floor. I started to descreatly motion to her that it was on the floor and she was still so excited about her great spike that she kept saying "I know it was awesome right!!?!" and kept giving me high fives. Finally I had to say it "Sisy, your nursing pad!!" as I pointed to it still laying at her feet. She looks down and quickly grabbed it up and stuck it in her pocket. Just a funny thing we still laugh about today.
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Next story.

My sister and I went swimming this summer shortly after she had given birth to my handsome nephew. She was still feeling chubby from being pregnant and felt like she had nothing to wear. So she wore a swimsuit she did no feel comfortable in and put a tank top over it. [side note: my sister has been nursing my nephew since birth] So we get in the pool and start swimming and all of a sudden my sister swims over to me and says "Have you ever seen a cow swim?" and I said "Actually, no I haven't. Why?" to which she replies, "Now you have...MOO!!" We both had a good laugh.

Deep Gratitude

I'm so grateful in this moment for my life, my family, my friends and my God. We all go through things at times that wear us down and we end up saying why this...AGAIN?!?! I'm not the first person to experience the things I experience. And I am just so thankful for awesome friends and wonderful family. But above all my Lord Jesus Christ. He is the one who gets me through it all. Without Him and His amazing power I would be nothing more than useless. My fears and trials are so insignificant to the average person but so big to me. I am thankful for the kind of friend I have always wanted. The kind that listens and doesn't judge me for overreacting in this moment of my trauma. The kind of trauma that yesterday was all-consuming yet today the edge has worn off a bit. An ear to listen and a heart to pray and plead on my behalf - when I didn't have the strength or the state of mind to do it myself. Also, I am so thankful for a husband who loves me so much and even in the hardest of times somehow I still see that and am reminded even by others just how awesome he is. He is one in a million and even in my fits of rage yesterday I see that is the truth. Thank God for "Godly Anger" as a friend so kindly put it. The love of so many surrounds me and encompasses me with floods of tears. Unlike yesterday, today my trauma seems so much more managable. I CAN DO THIS!! I AM STRONG!! So many others see it. Why can't I? Well, I do.

All who are thirsty
All who are weak
Come to the fountain
Dip your heart in the stream of life
Let the pain and the sorrow
Be washed away
In the waves of his mercy
As deep cries out to deep

This is the song I sing today!! In the waves of His mercy...He is so merciful. That's the cry of my heart today. To bestow mercy upon those that need it so badly from me. Jesus gives it to me daily.

My deepest gratitude for all who love and care for me. I'm sure more than I can even fathom.