Jim's the man!!

So, Josh pretty much brought it today at church. Lord knows, it's exactly what I needed to hear...no really the Lord does know...haha. Josh was just preaching on the book of James (which is my all time favorite book in the Bible) So I was rivited. James just has an awesome way of speaking to the everyday person. And speaks about the everyday problems we experience. There was a part in Josh's sermon where he said to think about the trials we are facing and it dawned on me as my list got longer and longer that James 1:2-4 is vital to our growth as Christians.

James 1:2-4 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.


As Josh was speaking I was just thinking to myself about how I view all these trials that I'm currently going through as so negative and how maybe if I would have done something different maybe I wouldn't be going through this right now. But you know, in order for you to reflect the goodness of the Lord it takes these moments in time to mold you into the person he wants you to be. And then these verses came to mind.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 Be joyful always; pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

When Paul was speaking to the Thessalonians he spoke a lot about the Lord's return - about keeping ourselves constantly prepared for His return. Paul was just a very strong speaker and these verses are just so black and white. Between James and Paul, they really paint a great picture of how to CORRECTLY deal with day to day issues. We get so caught up with how we want to deal with things we forget the right way we should. And trust me, I'm probably one of the worst people to deal with thing the way God desires me to. But I'm so darn sick of initially trying it my way and then, of course, turning it over to God after my way fails. And everytime, I look back and see where God's hand was in these situations and vow to give Him control always. Then the next trial comes and I just have to start off doing it my way again. It's not a one time decision to give Him the reins. Every trial. Every day.

This is a choice I am making. To make a stand today and everyday to have joy in the bad times, and give thanks for it ALL. And just hand it over to God. How else am I going to grow closer to the image God has created me in?

Frustration to the 3rd power

Having a bi-polar family member requires extreme patience in dealing with delicate situations. I will admit that I have little to no filter and pretty much everything I think comes out my mouth. So for me to deal with this person causes me GREAT frustration.

There are moments when I have great pity and sympathy for her but then I immedately have this conflicting feeling that she has no right to treat people the way she does no matter what disorder she has. I find myself pulling farther and farther away from her just to protect my own heart. Which is a vicious cycle -

She treats me poorly trying to seek attention ----->
I pull away to protect myself ----->
She requires love and attention and acts out again ----->
I AGAIN pull away -----> and on and on the cycle goes

If I was not the one living my life and was a random reader of this blog I would automatically make this assumption, "Just cater to her a little; show some compassion and love and solve your problem." This actually brings up another symptom of bi-polar people - Nothing is ever enough. The more you give the more they want. A normal person requiring love and attention knows when enough is enough and will accept that. Bi-polar people need more and more until they act out in a negative way in order to get the attention they feel they "need". Dealing with this particular situation frustrates me because I can spend quality time with this person everyday and then she will make a comment about how I will never spend time with her. Confusing? And very contradicting.

This is my woe. That I have to separate myself enough to live my life but be close enough to be compassionate and caring to her needs. It's a balance I will never get just right.

Struggling to be God's best

Questioning myself, my relationships with others and even at some point God and His hand in my life, has become an all consuming flood in my thoughts lately. After recenting having some very much needed time with a great friend and woman of God, it dawned on me that I have an extreme tendency to break down my own relationships - the very relationships I complain are non-exsistant. I somehow doom them before they even have a chance to grow or be nurtured. And, surprisingly, during this 3 hour conversation God started to reveal to me a lot of my own flaws and imperfections when it comes to relationships with others. And just talking this over was so what I needed. And to think that about an hour before I went I was going to back out. Why? Because it's easier not to go than to struggle through yet another friendship.

So this is where I'm at and this is where my heart is. I want so much more for myself than this. Life is just waiting to be lived and I'm just sitting here barely making it through today let alone this week. It's not like I don't know what needs to be done. I do. I am very aware of the fact that there are specific reasons I am unhappy and completely unfulfilled in this area of my life. I just find no motivation to fix this problem. And I'm really not taking the easy way out, although it may seem to be. Because what am I actually doing to myself and others by not allowing God to move in me and use me. It's so not the easy way I'm taking. I would really love to tie this blog up with a nice little bow that concludes how I have figured everything out and I'm "cured", and to God be the glory for it all. But I really can't. I haven't figured it out yet. I'm a work in progress even as I type. Here and now.

But still for this moment of my confusion - to God be the glory!