Blessed to be...

Friends

2008-05-12T12:09:00.000-07:00

I once read

"The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart."

And to me that is a beautiful sentiment. I have had friends in the past that in our relationship we had not seen the value in this statement. It's encouraging to have close friends. They lift me up and motivate me to be the very best I can be. I have had a hard time in the past giving myself up completely to a friend. I still struggle with not wanting to be completely open. But friends are such a beautiful part of life and I am so blessed have each and every one of my friends. They have all taught me something at some point. I love experiencing life with them. Even the friends I don't see or talk to anymore have touched my life in some way.

Surrounding myself with friends who love and genuinely care about me is so important. I charish every friend I have because they are wonderful blessing from Jesus.

Bountiful Joy

2008-04-16T12:07:00.001-07:00

Praise be to you Oh Lord.
You are my God and my Comfort.
I soley trust in You.
You carry me when I can not walk.
You pick me up when I have fallen.
My heart yearns for your love.
My soul graps for you hand.
You are the creator of life.
There is no other that even compares.
I say you are my Father
because in you I find refuge;
in you I find strength.
I rejoice now in your Holy Name!
I rejoice because you have called me Child.
I am yours.
Make my heart yours.
Make my soul yours.
I praise you because you are good.
Lord, take me to a new place.
Let me see a part of you that is strange and unknown to me.
Reveal Your desires.
Give me compassion for the things that You have compassion for.
Help my heart to ache at the sight of someone hurt.
Help my heart to leap when someone needs aid.
Glory be to You
GLORY BE TO YOU!
I praise you because You have made me in your image
I praise You for the life You shed.
Your Son.
I praise you for choosing and believing in me first.
You are my bountiful joy!

Blessed to be...

2008-04-14T12:22:00.000-07:00

My topic for today (30 Things...) is Blessed to be.

I am blessed to be...

1. a wife
2. a child of God
3. an aunt of 6 nieces and nephews
4. a mommy in waiting
5. a volleyball player
6. a friend
7. a sister
8. a daughter
9. a grand daughter
10. a cook
11. a servant
12. a Proverbs 31 woman (constantly striving for this one)
13. a blog junky
14. a worshiper
15. a younger sibling
16. given all I have been given
17. alive
18. breathing
19. beautiful
20. a childcare provider
21. loved
22. warm and dry
23. able to tan easily
24. able to walk
25. able to go on vacation
26. able to eat out
27. to have parents that love me
28. able to live by the beach
29. surrounded by so many wonderful people
30. I am blessed just to be me!

New Preggo Blog!

2008-04-13T09:46:00.001-07:00

So after talking to a wonderful friend I decided to start a new blog soley dedicated to pregnancy updates. I, of course, will still be blogging on this blog. But the new one is all about me, my preggo body and my rapidly growing boo boo!! So check it out and I'll keep you all updated!!!

itallstartedwithakiss.blogspot.com

30 Things

2008-04-11T12:40:00.000-07:00

I was browsing through a friends blog and came across one of her friends blogs and found something that I completely love! 30 Things 30 Days. So I am going to steal it as if it were my very own. :) My topic for today....How my husband blesses me! (In no specific order)

1. The way he finds it hilarious to bug the poop out of me. Just poking and messing with me until he gets a rise out of me.

2. How he does the dishes without having to be asked. (Most of the time)

3. He can fix and build - ANYTHING.

4. He loves Jesus with his whole heart.

5. He forgives me when I mess up.

6. Gay folks freak him out.

7. He talks to our baby in this weird screechy voice. And it makes me smile.

8. He loves Alabama Football....Roll Tide.

9. He loves me.

10. His name is spelled D-E-R-E-K not D-E-R-R-I-C-K. :)

11. He has a "NASCAR wife". (Love you Kim)

12. He makes me laugh so much.

13. He hates meatloaf...and ham...and stuffed bell peppers...just like me!!

14. He cried when he found out we were pregnant.

15. He feeds Maggie and teaches her new tricks.

16. He grew his hair out for me.

17. He works so hard to provide for our family.

18. After all the baby clothes I have bought he still tells me to have fun and buy more.

19. He sat on the super expensive remote and I'm pretty sure I saw a tear in his eye.

20. He listens better than most women.

21. He packs my lunch every morning before work.

22. He prays with me everyday.

23. He smiles when Livi calls him "Uncle"...just "Uncle" not "Uncle Derek"

24. He still mourns "The Bear" and believes he's still alive.

25. The day I met him one of his heros died. And he still considers that the best day of his life.

26. When I get upset at him for getting into bed sweaty some nights I just have to remember it's all because he worked so hard for me that day.

27. He's a country boy from back woods Alabama. And when him and Matt get together they start talking "Redneck"

28. He loves his "Xbox time"

29. He makes sure the grass is fertilized and watered and babies the dead spots.

30. He picked me.

Random...but oh, so true.

2008-04-08T14:11:00.000-07:00

Why when I am at a store can't I take the first item on the front of the shelf? Seriously, I will reach back and get the second or third one in line. And it doesn't matter what the item is milk, tuna, crackers, clothes, shoes, it really doesn't make a difference. Am I a freak?

12 weeks 1 day

2008-04-08T13:48:00.000-07:00

This morning I woke up SUPER tired (but who doesn't...really?!?). I have little to no patience today. Just irritable I guess. I am wearing maternity clothes already which bums me out. But you gotta do what you gotta do. But to some relief, the weekly pregnancy newsletter I get said that this week I will start to notice my clothes getting tighter.

But praise be to my Lord Jesus for hearing my prayers.

So I'll end with that.

10 weeks 5 days

2008-03-29T06:06:00.000-07:00

I went to my Drs. appointment yesterday and these are the things that I learned:

1. My baby's heart rate is 173 beats per minute. - strong little sucker.
2. He is 1 and 1/2 inches long.
3. Dr. Duke said if she predicted what it was she would say a boy. :)
4. I saw him in the ultrasound moving and wiggling around. He was stretching his legs and punching his fists!! haha
5. My nausea is gone.
6. I'm still super tired.
7. I've gained 5 lbs. in my first trimester so far.
8. My next appointment is April 25th, 2008 @ 8:00.

My Journey into Motherhood...

2008-03-25T07:03:00.000-07:00

...as requested by a friend.

First I want to say Be Encouraged and Be Blessed. God has us in devine moments and we can't be so caught up in what we think is "it" for ourselves that we aren't being used to our utmost ability. And one HUGE bit of advice: Faith and prayer changes circumstances. I believe this with all my heart. So with that said I will start with my journey.

It all started May 12th 2007. My husband and I were leaving on a much needed vacation - a cruise to the Carribbean. And after much prayer and peace we decided this was an excellent time to start "trying". I left for this cruise in total expectation that I would come home pregnant...not the case AT ALL. This cruise began a 9 month trek of trying to conceive, that frankly was worth every painful moment.

To kind of front the situation, I have extremely irregular periods. My cycle could have been 45 days last month, 62 days this month and 76 days the next month. Which makes it EXTEMELY difficult to calculate ovulation...actually near impossible. So we try and try and try and every month as I sit on the toilet peeing on yet ANOTHER stick I sit there in fear of another negative...and guess what....again another negative. After all these months the results started to define me and my view on conception.....NEGATIVE. From May until November we tried and tried and I swore every month was "THE" month. In October I was due for my yearly pap smear but put it off because I just KNEW I was pregnant and didn't want to have to go in twice. So November rolled around and I gave in and called my doctor to schedule my pap. And the receptionist said Dr. Duke is pregnant and will be on maternity leave and won't be back in the office until after the first of the year. CRAP!!! I was crushed because I thought we could talk and get my irregular period issue straightened out. And it just rubbed it in a little more that I was NOT pregnant and there were SOOOO many women that were. And let me just say that when I called the Drs. office that day if they would have said come in tomorrow I would have. (which would have screwed up God's whole plan...read on...) So I wait and wait and we continue to try. And finally my appointment came around January 21st 2008. But 3 days before that a good friend sent me a book in the mail called Prayers and Promises for a Supernatural Childbirth. In the book it talks about claiming God's promises over your life and your baby. It also talks about how fear and faith can not co-exsist. It talks about how miscarriage is NOT from the Lord and how to claim the promises God has already spoken and completely have faith in them and HIM. So I had been reading this book having faith - the good kind...the moving mountains kind....so back to the story. Before I go on let me remind you that in all these months I NEVER knew when I ovulated. So I get to the Drs. office for my appointment and I go back armed with my 8 1/2 x 11 sheet of paper full of questions and my calendar with all my cycles for the year. I WAS READY!!! So Dr. Duke and I talk and she recommends temping, and ovulation tests. BORING!!! Is what I thought. Then she started the exam and she was feeling my ovaries and said "Veronica, if you are going to temp or take an ovulation test I would do that pretty soon." Worriedly, I said "in like a week or so? Is there something wrong???" and she said "Actually the exact opposite!! I feel the cyst on your ovary that bursts when you ovulate and it's fixing to burst. I would take an ovulation test like...today! Girl your ovulating!!" OH MY GOD!!! PRAISE JESUS!!! What an answer to prayer! I was so excited. So on my way back to work I stop by my house and take an ovulation test.....................SUPER POSITIVE!!! HOLY COW!!! I can still remember my heart skipping a beat. Ooooo, but one problem Derek (my husband) was out of town on business ALL WEEK. CRAP! Who cares, I drove and met him every night for a little rondevouis. :) Then started the long two week wait. I had decided that February 5th was the day I would test and not a day sooner. During these 2 weeks Satan kept putting crap comments in my head about how maybe this wasn't the month. That I was never going to get pregnant....maybe I couldn't ever get pregnant. WHAT A JERK!! PRAISE BE TO GOD!! He is my ROCK!! And every time Satan would put a negative thought in my head I spoke the promises of God. God has a plan for my life and my baby's. I WILL conceive in HIS HOLY NAME! I just kept hanging on to the fact that Jesus didn't devinely appoint all this to drop me now. I kept pushing through with faith.

I woke up that morning at like 6:00am. I took the test and waited and waited and WHAT DID I GET???..........another NEGATIVE. I stopped, as the tears started well up in my eyes, and started praising God for the blessing He has given me!! And right there in the bathroom sang praises to Him and told Him that even in the hardest time I still had faith!! I spoke to my body and claimed that my body WAS indeed pregnant IN JESUS' NAME! It was definately a faith testing moment. But I am proud to say I passed it with flying colors. I did not revert back to my old negative crying self. I stood strong (still crying but for a different reason this time). And I did, I honestly had faith that I was still pregnant. So I waited 3 days and took another test. I waited and waited and then I thought I saw it...was that a line??? It was so faint. Too faint to be sure. I asked Derek, he said he saw it but wasn't sure either. So thoughout that day I took 5 tests. All were SUPER faint. I called a friend and she said "GO BUY A DIGITAL TEST!!!" So I did and what did it say???? PREGNANT!!!! Derek and I both started crying. This was our moment. The very moment we had been waiting for for 9 months. We couldn't have been happier. We told EVERYONE!! AND ALL THE PRAISE AND ALL THE GLORY GOES TO JESUS CHRIST!! MY ROCK!! Over the next 3 days I took 6 prenancy tests and, of course, all were positive!

Now I am 10 weeks pregnant and loving every minute of it. I've never been so happy to be so sick and tried. :) I have my second Drs. appointment Friday and I am so excited. And let me say, those "long" 9 months are just a moment in time now.

BE ENCOURGED. BE BLESSED. AND HAVE FAITH EVEN WHEN IT HURTS.

9 weeks 4 days

2008-03-21T07:47:00.000-07:00

Today is Good Friday and it makes me think about the goodness of our Lord Jesus. I just read a blog of a great friend that made me stop and think about my own life and the humility I choose or choose not to imbrace. I recently have had something that has overcome my life - pregnancy. It's not a bad thing for me to be completely wrapped up in it but I feel like I can't even hold on a conversation with someone without it creeping it's way in. Please don't get me wrong, I LOVE talking about my future baby and the things I am experiencing. I just don't want to be that person that everyone gets sick of because they gab and gab about themselves. I have a lot of friends that are in very different seasons of their lives and I want them to feel that I am very much into what is going on with them. I don't want this pregnancy to define me. I remember a time long before we even started to try to get pregnant. I would get so tired of just hearing about babies, nursing, pregnancy, etc. I don't want people to get burnt out by me.

That's it.

8 weeks today!!

2008-03-10T08:26:00.000-07:00

So I'm 8 weeks along today. I have another 2 and a half weeks until my next doctor's appointment. I really want to remember these times and not let the memories slip away so I'm going to start documenting how I feel and what is going on with me my baby and my body, from time to time.

Today...

I feel nausious
My boobs are sore and growing
I am sooooo tired this morning (that could be the time change though)
Huge lack of sex drive
My body feels sore (but I went swimming last night. That could be it)
I get light headed when I bend over

I guess that is pretty much it.

THE TIDE IS COMING...

2008-03-03T10:04:00.000-08:00

So, there is a song we sing at church called "Here is our King" and in the song there is a line that says:

The ocean is growing
The tide is coming in

And while we were singing that song yesterday I was thanking God for the sweet life inside me and I looked at the screen with the words on it and these 3 words just jumped off the screen at me:

TIDE IS COMING!!

He is coming. Sooner than I think. It won't be long before I get to see my sweet baby.

My little boo boo!!!

2008-02-29T11:31:00.000-08:00

So we went to our first doctor's appointment today. Which was so awesome. And these are some of the things we learned today between an ultrasound and talking to the doctor.

1. I am 6 weeks and 4 days along.
2. My due date is October 20, 2008.
3. My little "bean" is 0.65 cm long.
4. His heart is beating at 116 beats per minute.
5. I CAN drink caffine!!! Yay!!
6. My nausea is just at the beginning and WILL get worse. :(
7. I can continue to play volleyball until I'm too big to move!! :)
8. At this point there is only ONE baby in my belly.
9. And my next appointment is in 4 weeks - March 28, 2008 @ 8:00am.

So that's pretty much it....actually there was soooooooo much more but I just can't think of it all. These were the most important.

I'll post a picture of my sweet little man when I can scan in my ultrasound picture. It's soooo cute. (Ok, it's not that "cute" per say. But it is to me and that's all that matters!!)

I wish you weren't such a liar!! :)

2008-02-24T15:15:00.000-08:00

You get on here to read MY blog yet you say you don't have time to write on your own.

You lay next to me while we nap yet you say you don't have time to get on here and blog.

You watch American Idol and The Biggest Loser yet you say you don't have time to blog.

I believe in you and everytime I get on here I check your empty blog and yet it continues to stay empty.

You know who you are.........and I wish you weren't such a liar!! haha :) I love you!!

Having fun but having issues

2008-02-15T11:02:00.000-08:00

Being pregnant seems to be fun...for now. But one thing I am having issues with is EVERYONE says "Well, just wait...." with a sneaky little look on their faces. I am so blessed to be pregnant and I am going to live in that and be excited and enjoy this time in my life. It is very annoying to have people constantly treat me like I am an infant and don't know any thing about pregnancy or children. I may be inexperienced but that doesn't mean that I am stupid. And another thing, I watch kids for a living and I made the comment the other day that the kids were driving me crazy and someone (they shall remain nameless) says "Well, get use to it you've got one on the way." Well, for one thing, IDIOT, I am very aware of my pregnant state so you don't need to remind me of that. And for another thing...YOUR KID IS NOT MY KID. AND WITH MY OWN KIDS I WILL BE ABLE TO SPANK THEM!! Don't start comparing incomparable situations!!

Ok that's it. Just had to rant and rave for a second.

I am so blessed!!

After 9 long months....I'm pregnant!!!

2008-02-08T07:36:00.000-08:00

I'M PREGNANT!!!! Oh my gosh!!! I am sooooo excited!!

Thank you Lord, for Your awesome blessings!!

This is what will get me through the next week.

2008-01-29T12:26:00.000-08:00

Your love oh Lord reaches to the heavens, Your faithfulness stretches to the sky.

Lord,
Being as honest as possible, this week sucks. I am doing my best to see the goal and the plan - the prize that is coming. But I am struggling. I have not lost my faith it is just being tried today. Satan keeps throwing seeds of doubt into my thoughts. I want to be rid of them and I keep rebuking him but they keep coming. I am standing on the promises You have given me. I AM! Everytime an unfaithful thought enters my thought I dismiss it and replace it with a promise You have made me. I know You have not brought me this far in the last few weeks just to drop me now. I believe you when you said "Adam lay with his wife Eve, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Cain. She said, "With the help of the LORD I have brought forth a man." and I stand on Your word and your promise when you said "May God Almighty bless you and make you fruitful and increase your numbers until you become a community of peoples." There are so many times that You have made these promises and I stand on those now!! You are so Holy! I live and thrive just to serve you. You have blessed me abuntantly and for this I am forever thankful. Feeling the way I do I am armed with Your promises and I confess them and claim them over my life and over my baby. JESUS YOU ROCK! Thank you for listening in my state of distress.

Waiting...

2008-01-25T11:04:00.000-08:00

...it sucks.

in Jesus' name!

2008-01-24T13:20:00.000-08:00

You are good and You are faithful

You're the Rock I will cling to

Your Word is strong enough to finish

Everything You said You'd do.

Your promises and Your love are ever faithful. I live for You. I hear Your words. I stand on Your promises and claim them over my life. Your blessings overwhelm me. Glory be to You because You are my God. I praise Your name. Holy be the Lord. I bow in submission to Your ways and Your will. You are greater than I and in this moment and forever I choose You! You promised me life and life more abundantly. I claim that. You promised me children and I claim that too. You said to not fear and to not be afraid so now I command fear and anxiety to depart from me. There is no place in my life for that. You are the highest of high and long to seek Your face. Your glory shines on me. It's abundant...Your love and Your peace. I choose peace over stress. I choose life over death over myself and my baby. In the name of Jesus. In You do I trust. In You do I put my faith. Thank You for the life You've given me and thank You for my babies life. I stand and claim this over me and my life. I will have a positive pregnancy test the morning of February 5th 2008. I will have a healthy 40 week pregnancy - healthy for me and my baby. I will have a boy. And his name will be Tyde Gable Smith. He will have blonde straight hair and blue eyes. He will weigh no less than 9lbs. but no more than 9.5lbs. EVERY ORGAN IN HIS BODY WILL WORK PROPERLY AND PERFECTLY. I CLAIM THIS IN JESUS' HOLY NAME!

Psalms 36:5 Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies.

Psalms 40:10 I do not hide your righteousness in my heart; I speak of your faithfulness and salvation. I do not conceal your love and your truth from the great assembly.

Psalms 71:22 I will praise you with the harp for your faithfulness, O my God; I will sing praise to you with the lyre, O Holy One of Israel.

Psalms 89:33 but I will not take my love from him, nor will I ever betray my faithfulness.

Psalms 100:5 For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.

1 Samuel 1:27 I prayed for this child and the Lord granted me what I asked.

Faith...to move moutains

2008-01-21T09:04:00.000-08:00

The last blog I posted I made the comment, and I quote "...baby clothes that are for a baby I CAN'T even conceive!!!". This comment is from the pit of hell!! I rebuke it in the name of Jesus. I can conceive and I will conceive. I am standing on God's promises for my life and my baby.

I HAVE FAITH...FAITH TO MOVE MOUNTAINS!!! FAITH TO HAVE MY BABY!!

IN THE NAME OF JESUS!!!

Nonsense

2008-01-15T19:55:00.000-08:00

Updated just for you Christy!! haha

Occasionally I think (ok who are we kidding? ----All the time I think) about being a mother and the joys and fears that accompany it. I get lost in thoughts about what brand of diapers I will use and whether sleeping on their back or tummy is better. I know this sounds silly but when I get really caught up in longing for a child and start to feel down I start to dig through all the loads of baby clothes I have already bought. And I look over each item like I've never seen it before, enjoying the moment as if it were the first. I know you may think that it would make me feel more down (and I use the word "down" and not "depressed" because I hate that word) to go through baby clothes that are for a baby I CAN'T even conceive!!! Frusterating as it is it somehow puts the excitement and joy back into trying. [Side Note: what is "trying" anyway? Is that just a fancy word for people to say instead of SEX??? YES WE HAVE SEX!! GET OVER IT!!!] Back to the subject:

I have talked to a few people resently that when they ask me how long Derek and I have been trying to have a baby and I tell them 8 months, this is what they say....."Well, that's not bad at all. Just look at so and so, they tried for 4 years to have their baby."..............Well, whoopty doo!! I don't want to wait no 4 years before I get pregnant. I'm about ready to pull my hair out at how long it's ready been. I believe more for myself than that....does that even make any sense??

So this is the verse that I stand on today:

"I prayed for this child and the Lord granted me what I asked." 1 Samuel 1:27

I believe for myself and my family that this too shall pass; this season of longing. When I have that little bundle of absolute goodness in my arms will I even remember these long 8 months? They seem like eternity now but will they forever? Probably not. So in that I believe and I stay strong.

And there will still be the days that I will rifle through those baby clothes just because the want is so overwhelming. But "that too shall pass".

Friday's HERE!!!

2007-12-21T13:35:00.001-08:00

Today we are so glad

For a reason oh so clear

No purpose to be sad

No issues that we fear

Before us is the weekend

Playing is what it's for

Where work is not a factor

And we are not a bore.

Listen if you may

This might just make you weak

We've finally reached the day

We've been waiting for all week

Go ahead and clap

You just might want to cheer

Because we are so happy

That Friday's finally here!!!

Ecclesiastes 7:13-14

2007-12-11T12:57:00.000-08:00

This passage is very purposeful for me. It shows me how insignificant I am. Such as, who am I to think that I can try to question or change a situation God has me in. It is so refreshing to see in black and white that God has made the good and the bad. ALL FOR A REASON! So in this moment, I choose God and I choose His way over my own. He already knows the desires of my heart so now, may His will be done.

Ecclesiastes 7:13-14

Consider what God has done:
Who can straighten
what he has made crooked?
When times are good, be happy;
but when times are bad, consider:
God has made the one
as well as the other.
Therefore, a man cannot discover
anything about his future.

I'm a mess...

2007-11-16T08:24:00.000-08:00

There are days, such as today, that I realize what a mess I am. Today I feel like an empty body that does what it's supposed to do day in and day out lacking passion and zeal for life. I always know that it could be worse and there are so many people way worse off than I am but today all that is in my vision is ME. Dumb I know but all too true. I know Jesus loves me. I know God has a plan and His hand is in it all. But I'm so tired of hearing it. Today I desire more. More than waiting to get pregnant. More than desiring deep friendships. More than...home...work...church. I feel like most of the time I cruise on Auto Pilot. Not really taking in what life has to offer but rather making the motions just to get on to some other part of my life. I feel discontent with who I am and where I am in life. I want more.

Ok I just read the previous paragraph and I'm officially not only a mess but I sound like a disaster. I would not consider myself depressed or having major problems - although I sound like it. I am so blessed and I see all my blessing...I do. It's just this season of my life. I feel disconnected from life and others.

I like to call it a FUNK. I'm just in a rutty FUNK. It will get better I know it will. Great things are coming. I hope.

Utterly Hilarious

2007-11-13T14:11:00.001-08:00

So the last couple weeks have been a bit rough on me and I have needed a good laugh. So, I went to a friends blog and it CRACKED me up....just what I needed. So I just wanted to tell a couple stories that will hopefully tickle someone else a bit too. Just thinking of these stories still makes me laugh. Also, these stories star one of the funniest people I know...my sister.

Shortly after my sweet beautiful niece was born, 2 years ago, my sister and I wanted to get back into playing club volleyball. So we show up at the gym and people are everywhere - really good players might I add. Now we played in high school and coached a little after but I don't know we were on any kind of level that these folks were. Anyway, so there we were, me, my sister, my mom and my baby niece (someone had to watch the baby while we played...). My mom was holding the baby and between us all we had diaper bags and strollers gallore. We walk in and get my mom seated in a relatively safe location free from flying balls, and then my sister and I walk on to the court and start practicing with everyone. We practice for a while and then break off into teams and start a game. Luckily, we were on the same team. So we are playing and I go and set up the ball and here comes my sister and she spikes it for a point!! We all were so excited and jumping around and all of a sudden I look down and see that one of her nursing pads had come out of her bra and had fallen on the floor. I started to descreatly motion to her that it was on the floor and she was still so excited about her great spike that she kept saying "I know it was awesome right!!?!" and kept giving me high fives. Finally I had to say it "Sisy, your nursing pad!!" as I pointed to it still laying at her feet. She looks down and quickly grabbed it up and stuck it in her pocket. Just a funny thing we still laugh about today.
___________________________________________________________________

Next story.

My sister and I went swimming this summer shortly after she had given birth to my handsome nephew. She was still feeling chubby from being pregnant and felt like she had nothing to wear. So she wore a swimsuit she did no feel comfortable in and put a tank top over it. [side note: my sister has been nursing my nephew since birth] So we get in the pool and start swimming and all of a sudden my sister swims over to me and says "Have you ever seen a cow swim?" and I said "Actually, no I haven't. Why?" to which she replies, "Now you have...MOO!!" We both had a good laugh.

Deep Gratitude

2007-11-07T08:12:00.000-08:00

I'm so grateful in this moment for my life, my family, my friends and my God. We all go through things at times that wear us down and we end up saying why this...AGAIN?!?! I'm not the first person to experience the things I experience. And I am just so thankful for awesome friends and wonderful family. But above all my Lord Jesus Christ. He is the one who gets me through it all. Without Him and His amazing power I would be nothing more than useless. My fears and trials are so insignificant to the average person but so big to me. I am thankful for the kind of friend I have always wanted. The kind that listens and doesn't judge me for overreacting in this moment of my trauma. The kind of trauma that yesterday was all-consuming yet today the edge has worn off a bit. An ear to listen and a heart to pray and plead on my behalf - when I didn't have the strength or the state of mind to do it myself. Also, I am so thankful for a husband who loves me so much and even in the hardest of times somehow I still see that and am reminded even by others just how awesome he is. He is one in a million and even in my fits of rage yesterday I see that is the truth. Thank God for "Godly Anger" as a friend so kindly put it. The love of so many surrounds me and encompasses me with floods of tears. Unlike yesterday, today my trauma seems so much more managable. I CAN DO THIS!! I AM STRONG!! So many others see it. Why can't I? Well, I do.

All who are thirsty
All who are weak
Come to the fountain
Dip your heart in the stream of life
Let the pain and the sorrow
Be washed away
In the waves of his mercy
As deep cries out to deep

This is the song I sing today!! In the waves of His mercy...He is so merciful. That's the cry of my heart today. To bestow mercy upon those that need it so badly from me. Jesus gives it to me daily.

My deepest gratitude for all who love and care for me. I'm sure more than I can even fathom.

Jim's the man!!

2007-10-21T09:18:00.000-07:00

So, Josh pretty much brought it today at church. Lord knows, it's exactly what I needed to hear...no really the Lord does know...haha. Josh was just preaching on the book of James (which is my all time favorite book in the Bible) So I was rivited. James just has an awesome way of speaking to the everyday person. And speaks about the everyday problems we experience. There was a part in Josh's sermon where he said to think about the trials we are facing and it dawned on me as my list got longer and longer that James 1:2-4 is vital to our growth as Christians.

James 1:2-4 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

As Josh was speaking I was just thinking to myself about how I view all these trials that I'm currently going through as so negative and how maybe if I would have done something different maybe I wouldn't be going through this right now. But you know, in order for you to reflect the goodness of the Lord it takes these moments in time to mold you into the person he wants you to be. And then these verses came to mind.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 Be joyful always; pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

When Paul was speaking to the Thessalonians he spoke a lot about the Lord's return - about keeping ourselves constantly prepared for His return. Paul was just a very strong speaker and these verses are just so black and white. Between James and Paul, they really paint a great picture of how to CORRECTLY deal with day to day issues. We get so caught up with how we want to deal with things we forget the right way we should. And trust me, I'm probably one of the worst people to deal with thing the way God desires me to. But I'm so darn sick of initially trying it my way and then, of course, turning it over to God after my way fails. And everytime, I look back and see where God's hand was in these situations and vow to give Him control always. Then the next trial comes and I just have to start off doing it my way again. It's not a one time decision to give Him the reins. Every trial. Every day.

This is a choice I am making. To make a stand today and everyday to have joy in the bad times, and give thanks for it ALL. And just hand it over to God. How else am I going to grow closer to the image God has created me in?

Frustration to the 3rd power

2007-10-18T20:26:00.000-07:00

Having a bi-polar family member requires extreme patience in dealing with delicate situations. I will admit that I have little to no filter and pretty much everything I think comes out my mouth. So for me to deal with this person causes me GREAT frustration.

There are moments when I have great pity and sympathy for her but then I immedately have this conflicting feeling that she has no right to treat people the way she does no matter what disorder she has. I find myself pulling farther and farther away from her just to protect my own heart. Which is a vicious cycle -

She treats me poorly trying to seek attention ----->
I pull away to protect myself ----->
She requires love and attention and acts out again ----->
I AGAIN pull away -----> and on and on the cycle goes

If I was not the one living my life and was a random reader of this blog I would automatically make this assumption, "Just cater to her a little; show some compassion and love and solve your problem." This actually brings up another symptom of bi-polar people - Nothing is ever enough. The more you give the more they want. A normal person requiring love and attention knows when enough is enough and will accept that. Bi-polar people need more and more until they act out in a negative way in order to get the attention they feel they "need". Dealing with this particular situation frustrates me because I can spend quality time with this person everyday and then she will make a comment about how I will never spend time with her. Confusing? And very contradicting.

This is my woe. That I have to separate myself enough to live my life but be close enough to be compassionate and caring to her needs. It's a balance I will never get just right.

Struggling to be God's best

2007-10-18T12:49:00.000-07:00

Questioning myself, my relationships with others and even at some point God and His hand in my life, has become an all consuming flood in my thoughts lately. After recenting having some very much needed time with a great friend and woman of God, it dawned on me that I have an extreme tendency to break down my own relationships - the very relationships I complain are non-exsistant. I somehow doom them before they even have a chance to grow or be nurtured. And, surprisingly, during this 3 hour conversation God started to reveal to me a lot of my own flaws and imperfections when it comes to relationships with others. And just talking this over was so what I needed. And to think that about an hour before I went I was going to back out. Why? Because it's easier not to go than to struggle through yet another friendship.

So this is where I'm at and this is where my heart is. I want so much more for myself than this. Life is just waiting to be lived and I'm just sitting here barely making it through today let alone this week. It's not like I don't know what needs to be done. I do. I am very aware of the fact that there are specific reasons I am unhappy and completely unfulfilled in this area of my life. I just find no motivation to fix this problem. And I'm really not taking the easy way out, although it may seem to be. Because what am I actually doing to myself and others by not allowing God to move in me and use me. It's so not the easy way I'm taking. I would really love to tie this blog up with a nice little bow that concludes how I have figured everything out and I'm "cured", and to God be the glory for it all. But I really can't. I haven't figured it out yet. I'm a work in progress even as I type. Here and now.

But still for this moment of my confusion - to God be the glory!